Scars Fade

As I'm sure you can tell, blogging is not something I am able to do on a consistent basis. I've tried. I've wanted to. But, most times, I just simply have no clue what to write. Apparently, I need inspiration. Something that strikes to the very core of me in order to write about it. Let's face it - I'm not a writer. I'd love to be, but without inspiration, I truly have a block that keeps me from writing anything meaningful. And if I try, it reads as gibberish.

Well, as I'm sure you've assumed by now, inspiration has struck. In a manner of speaking. I know what I'm wanting to write about; I'm just having a difficult time getting the right words down. So, let's just start with this:

There was once a girl, who loved a boy very much. Sadly, she had to say good-bye to him because their love wasn't enough to keep them together. He was her true first love. She had known no greater pain than what was caused by her whole world coming down around her. She thought, surely, there is no coming back from this. The hurt was too great. Her heart was in pieces; one of which he still had. And, she thought, he always would. How, then, could she ever fully heal? Well, as we all know, time truly heals. We tend not to believe so when in the thick of our most difficult trials, but it does all the same. If we take that time, combine it with good friendships and the love of family, then we have a powerful concoction indeed. No hurt can withstand it. Deep enough wounds may leave scars, but scars fade. You'll always remember how the scar came to be, but the pain is no longer present. There is a wonderful, poignant line from the movie Kung Fu Panda 2: "You've got to let go of the stuff from the past – because it just doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now." How true that is... Not only is that single quote responsible for lifting the seemingly crushing weight and fog of heartbreak, it is also the catalyst for a complete shift in this girl's thinking. Because of that, with the love and support from her family and dear friends, she was able to rise above the hurt and pain... And leave it all behind. Her heart may not yet be whole, but she's ok with that. He meant enough to her he can hold onto a piece - for a little while longer.

Yesterday, I picked up some boxes of mine I had missed in the move out of Don's house. As I was getting ready to put them in my storage unit today, I decided to go through them to see if whatever was in there was even worth keeping. In doing so, I came across a poem I had written a couple of years ago that I had completely forgotten about. As I read over it, I was flooded with an overwhelming feeling of happiness from the memories brought to the surface by these simple words. I wrote them in 2009, just a few short months into the beginning of mine and Don's relationship. Even though we are no longer together, this poem and the subsequent memories really do not bring about the hurt and pain one might expect to experience. Those first months of "Us" was truly the happiest time of my life. How could I not look back on them with fondness? Sure, something deep in me aches when I think of how it all went wrong, but I refuse to let that ruin or taint the memories I have of him and our time together. They deserve more than that. Anyhow, I will share the poem seeing as it is what inspired this post. Enjoy! And thanks for reading.


~Fairytale~

So this is love, they sang
Cinderella and her prince
How funny it really is
They knew nothing of this

"This" is our love
And "This" is our time
"This" is something exceptional
Truly quite fit for rhyme

No words could do justice
To how you make me feel
You are my one true love
My prince with the glass heel

Cinderella's story may only be
One of fairytale lore
But mine has just started
With the man I adore

~Cara Baker '09

One Day

Barnes & Noble sent me an email last week advertising a *cue announcer voice* MEMBERS ONLY ONE DAY 50% off SALE. Now, normally, I ignore these. Not because I'm not a member - I definitely am (can we say Bookworm?) - I just usually don't have the funds to participate in those oh so tempting "One Day Only!!"-but-will-happen-again-in-a-few-weeks sales. However, in this case, I decided to check it out. Not only were hundreds of books 50% off, but a good chunk of them were eligible for their Buy 2, Get the 3rd Free promotion. Seeing as I had about $20 I could spend on myself, I jumped in. And bought me 5 books for just over $15. Oh and the best part? Free express shipping! Ya know, since I'm a member and all. *ahem* Anywho. The whole point of that lead-in story was to get to the true core of this post (the first in 3 months, I know! Sorry!). One of the books I purchased is a (so far) wonderful ditty called "One Day" (now a major motion picture starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess). It's the story of two friends who meet, go their separate ways, write to each other, meet again, fight, love, go their separate ways, etc. over the course of 20 odd years; essentially a "When Harry Met Sally" for this generation. Well, here's the official "back cover" synopsis. It lays it out better than I can.

"It's 1988 and Dexter Mayhew and Emma Morley have only just met. But after only one day together, they cannot stop thinking about one another. Over twenty years, snapshots of that relationship are revealed on the same day - July 15th - of each year. Dex and Em face squabbles and fights, hopes and missed opportunities, laughter and tears. And as the true meaning of this one crucial day is revealed, they must come to grips with the nature of love and life itself."

Interesting, yes? I thought it was. This much you know considering I bought the book. I had two reasons for that. One reason is because, yes, I liked the premise of the story. The second reason, well, I guess you could call that the "real" reason. It seemed the story of my life with a certain man had been plucked up, written down, then made into a movie. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt that way. The book (again, so far; I'm not quite finished) is quite poignant and could be applied to any number of people's lives, I'm sure. And it's not as if the story mirrors mine in every way. It's just rather parallel.

Just as with the book now, I don't know how my life with this certain man (whom we'll call Don because, let's face it, you all know that's who I'm talking about anyway) will end up. He and I have decided we need to take another break. Is it hard? Yes. Is it heartbreaking? Yes. Is it the best decision? Yes... However, I can promise you there will not be a repeat of the previous posts. I'm not revisiting that. Frankly, I have too much to do to allow myself to wallow in grief this time. I'll hold him and what we have in my heart with the hope that, one day, we (and the book) will have our happy ending. One day...

Music

Music is a wonderful thing. It has the capacity to bring out the full scope of human emotion sometimes even with only a single chord. Music has been a rock in my life. It's there when I'm happy, sad, angry or even somewhere in between. No matter what is going on, it's guaranteed that a piece of music will be able to match it perfectly. For the most part, I'm a huge fan of soundtracks. The composers of these works are, in my opinion, our modern day Mozarts and Beethovens. Hans Zimmer, James Horner, John Williams, Steve Jablonsky and several others are true masters of their craft. Anyhow, I can feel myself beginning a tangent and that's precisely what I'd like to avoid with this post. I simply just want to share with you a few songs from a couple of my favorite soundtracks; pieces that never fail to be there for me in the best and hardest of times. Enjoy!







This song is quite possibly the best (certainly the most beautiful and moving) movie theme ever written. I've darn near worn out this track on my copy of the CD because of how many times I have put it on repeat and just listened for hours.



I also have a couple of "non-soundtrack" songs I'd like to share. These speak to my soul and have either helped me through or are currently helping me with moments in my life.

Pretty sure this one is self-explanatory...




Ok one more and then I'm done. It's one I want to share simply because it's a really cool song. Warning: it's addictive!

Is It Just Me

I used to write poetry often. It was always a very cathartic practice for me; just as writing this blog is quickly becoming. Maybe that's the reason 98% of my poems were written during my angsty, turbulent teen years (would that description be a redundancy? or an oxymoron? hmm, curious). As I was getting ready earlier today, the first few lines of a new poem just popped into my head. Not surprising, really, seeing as how today hasn't exactly been easy. So I sat down, worked out the rest of it and am now posting it here for your reading pleasure. Or torture, depending on how you feel about poetry. Heh...here goes:

Do you think of me as I think of you
When memories brush your thoughts
Does a tear slip through
Do you remember my smile as I remember yours
Or ache to hear my laugh as I ache for yours
Is there a void in your heart yearning to be filled
A piece of you gone, damage too deep to be healed

Or is it just me

Did it hurt to watch me walk away
As it hurt me to know I couldn't stay
Do you wonder how it all went wrong
When, together, we've always known we belong
Have you ever reached for me in your sleep
And breathe in my scent the pillow seems to keep

Or is it just me

Will you miss me as I'll miss you
Still love me as I'll love you
Never forget me and what I meant to you

Or is it just me...

~Cara M. Baker~
'11

Toxic Release

Last night, my awesome mother treated me to a massage at the parlor she frequents. It was so relaxing and SO needed. One problem... I woke up today with what I'd have to say is massage hangover. I am so sore, tired and, predominantly, depressed. I know that a massage will release toxins from your muscles, but does that include your heart as well? The last few days I have been doing really well. Better than I thought I ever could be after suffering through one of the most heart-wrenching events of my life (I should have written more on those good days; then maybe this wouldn't be turning out to be the most depressing blog ever... heh). Today, though, I'd have to say I'm at the worst I've felt since... "the event". Is this just coincidence and it was bound to happen? Or did that massage work more out of me than physical discomfort? If it's because of the massage, then I'd like to think this mood will be like the sore muscles: just a by-product of working out some issues that will resolve itself on it's own. I'm not too keen on having to start from square one when it comes to my emotional happy place. Truthfully, the first time around, that happened in the blink of an eye. I think the reason for that was because the strength and inspiration I needed came so unexpectedly that I ended up being more open to it than I'd normally be. I'm not sure that could happen again. I'd like for it to, but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I just don't think it could. Or maybe I'm just reading WAY more into it and this is just a bad day. Probably the most likely reason. When I really think about it, a week and 5 days is not enough time to be "over it". It just isn't. That 12 days may have been the longest and hardest of my life, but it's still only 12 days. And, since we're being honest here, I don't think I'll ever be over it. Moved on? Happy? Really doing "fine"? Yes. But over it? No, I don't think so.

Stream of Consciousness

Consciousness... That's one hell of a word to type. Or say, even. I remember doing this exercise in school. Just write - or type in this case - whatever comes to mind. It doesn't matter if it doesn't even make sense, you're supposed to just let it flow. Hence the term stream of consciousness. Granted, you're also not supposed to use capitalization or even proper grammar, really. It's the nature of the exercise; don't get caught up in the mundane details. Just write. However, I have a REALLY hard time doing that. Not that my grammar is perfect, or anything. I just need structure when I write. Hell, I need it in life. That's quite a new revelation to myself if I'm being completely honest. And if I can't be honest with myself then who? And there - right there - that question brings me to the underlying issue of my life these past months; I have essentially been lied to for quite some time. Not on purpose or even in the actual sense of things being a "lie", but for the simple reason he couldn't even be honest with himself. However, it certainly does not change the fact that I have proverbially been put through the ringer. I know he has, as well, but he's not writing this. I am. And it's my feelings and thoughts that are fueling this exercise. Thoughts and feelings that have got to get out or you all may very well witness the tragic, yet fascinating, crumbling of a normally vivacious and, let's face it, rather awesome human being (not to mention humble... heh). Truthfully, I don't know why I say "you all" when referring to the readers of this post. Who's reading this, really? I've had this blog for two years now and I've managed to post a whole three times before this. Which may lead all none of you to believe that nothing has happened in my life. Oh no, quite on the contrary. My life has been shaken to it's very core. My soul stripped. My heart ripped out of it's once comfortable resting spot and left quivering on the floor where it dropped. Huh... Apparently I'm dramatic even in writing. Not that I'm ashamed of that. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Just making an observation.

The official title of this blog is: Simply Life. I was reminded of this tonight when logging in after being away for almost exactly one year. I remember thinking how clever I was for coming up with that title. Not that it's hugely original (yes, I used "hugely", my blog, deal with it) or anything. It's just that there is nothing simple about life, yet the day to day dynamics tend to be. Especially to people on the outside of your own little world. Which, to me, are the people who would read this public journal of mine. It was, simply, my life. My life with my kids, my family and, predominantly, my life with Don. The great love in that life of mine. Will forever be the great love even if it eventually brought on the aforementioned soul stripping and heartectomy. Nothing simple about that. Yet, somehow, it's still simply life.

I'm not going to get into details. That's not what I'm here to do. My goal is to just vent and hopefully release some of the pressure that has been building for far too long. Maybe, just maybe, it will take some of the hurt and pain with it. I'm not a big fan of the newest residents in the place my heart once called home. I have been told on several occasions since my world fell to pieces to sit down and just write. It's great advice. It took me a few days to get here, but I'm here now. I chose to use my blog not because I want attention or sympathy, but for the simple reason this format actually helps me feel that these pent up feelings are actually being released. They aren't being jotted down on the simple notepad program on my computer or even just a simple notepad. They're being sent out into the world, far, far away from me. I know the words will be here for me to read if I ever wanted to, but the feelings behind them, in theory, will not be. Plus, remember how I mentioned I like structure? Well, this blog is certainly that. And in my weird, strange way that helps make it all feel a little more "real".

I spent two of the best years of my life with the most amazing man. It certainly was a whirlwind romance and we made many mistakes. What couples don't? But, oh, how we were made for each other. We first met at our local community theater. I was 16, he was 30. He was married at the time and, well, I was 16 so, no, that is not when our romance started. However, we did become fast friends. For the next year we worked on several plays together, either on the stage or behind the scenes. He then moved, fell in love and remarried (his first marriage ended a short time after we first met). I also moved and got married. Fast forward nearly 10 years and both of our marriages have ended, we find each other on the social networking giant that is Facebook and the rest is history. It was almost like that decade hadn't passed. That connection was still there, but this time, there was something more. The second I saw him again after all that time, I knew. He was the one for me. The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And for the next two years it wasn't perfect, but it was the happiest I'd ever been. So how did we end up here? Of all the couples this could happen to, why did it happen to us? There are many reasons. Many painful reasons we both have contributed to.

Each day is different. There are some mornings I wake up and I'm ok. Others, I have to give myself a pep talk just to get out of bed. Those are the days when I feel as if there is a crushing weight on my chest and all hope has been sucked out of me. I know it will get better. I also know it will take more time. Even now as I write this, I'm listening to music and nearly every song that comes on has some memory attached to him. I refuse to delete my music library so, for now, I'll listen. And cry. My hope is that eventually, one day, I will stop checking my phone first thing in the morning to see if there is a message from him; or waiting for his phone call every weekday at 9am while he's on break; or wanting to tell him about everything that happened in my day... Or aching over the loss of him so much it hurts. But today is not that day.